


Cat Burglary

by hikaru9, PepperVL



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Asexual Aziraphale (Good Omens), Asexual Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Asexual Character, Asexual Crowley (Good Omens), Asexual Relationship, Aziraphale and Crowley are Eternal Idiots, Breaking Into Heaven, Crowley Finds a Kitten, Do It With Style Mini Bang (Good Omens), Earth Observation Files (Good Omens), Heist, M/M, ineffable husbands
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:33:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25616686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hikaru9/pseuds/hikaru9, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepperVL/pseuds/PepperVL
Summary: Crowley should’ve left the injured kitten on the pavement where he found it, that would’ve been the demonic thing to do. But it was right outside Aziraphale's shop, and if the angel had found out Crowley had left it, he would’ve beendisappointedin Crowley, which was much worse than anything Hell had threatened when Crowley was in their employ.Of course, getting the kitten into the bookshop and taking care of her injuries is only the first step. Now they have to figure out who hurt her. Unfortunately, the only place they can find that answer is in the Earth Observation Files. They just need to slip into Heaven—where they’re both persona non grata—and find the right information. Should be easy, right?
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 31
Collections: Good Omens Mini Bang





	Cat Burglary

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Do It With Style Mini-Bang. Thanks to the wonderful hikaru9 for the artwork, to Euterpein for the beta, and to WyvernQuill for the brainstorming. <3
> 
> Images should size with the text, but if you want to see them bigger, just click/tap to go to the original. On your browser, you can hover your mouse over the footnote indicator and get the footnote text.

It started with a kitten.[1]

It was a calico, wet and bedraggled, barely the size of Crowley’s palm, and it mewed plaintively as he stopped the Bentley just outside the bookshop and slid more-or-less gracefully from the car. He stopped, Bentley door still open, and pulled down his sunglasses to peer closely at the tiny mess of fur that had somehow found the lung capacity to be heard over the noisy Soho street. From what he could tell, the cat was injured, probably on its last legs, and had probably—Crowley sniffed the air—had definitely crawled out of the sewer.

He looked around as he shut the Bentley door. He couldn’t leave the poor thing out here or he’d never hear the end of it from Aziraphale,[2] but he was a demon. He couldn’t be seen rescuing an abandoned _kitten_. He had a reputation![3]

After a quick check that no one from Above or Below was watching, Crowley used a minor miracle to keep the humans of Soho from noticing him and bent to pick up the kitten. It didn’t resist, though it meowed even louder once Crowley had picked it up and cradled it in his hands. “You’re filthy,” he told it, wrinkling his nose at the smell of raw sewage that clung to the poor animal’s fur. “Aziraphale is going to throw a fit if I bring you into the shop like this.” In his head, Crowley could hear the angel making distressed noises about his books and how the kitten was likely to damage them or how it would transfer this mess to his books in a way that wasn’t approved.[4] “You’re going to have to have a bath.”

“Mrrr-ooowww!” the cat said, and sounded so pathetic that Crowley was half-convinced it was going to die right there in his hand.

“Yes, yes, fine,” he said, and pulled the cat a little closer to him as he headed inside the shop, opening the door with his free hand and flipping the sign to closed as he shut it behind him. The one customer who had been browsing found himself suddenly on the street, convinced he hadn’t found anything of interest in the shop and thinking he really ought to get home and start dinner even though it was only half-three. “Angel?”

“Back here, Crowley,” Aziraphale called as he stepped out of the back room. Crowley knew the way of course, but it was polite to greet a guest, even if said guest spent more time at the bookshop than at his own flat. “I was just pulling out some”—he broke off, staring at the cat cradled carefully in Crowley's hand—“what _is_ that?”

“Kitten.” Crowley held it out to Aziraphale, ignoring the way it dug its claws into his palm at the sudden movement. “Found it outside. I think it was dumped.”

“Oh, the poor dear!” Aziraphale hurried over, his hand pressed to his chest as he leaned in and peered at it. “Oh, you’re precious! Why would anyone dump you?” He ran one finger gently over the kitten’s back, removing all the sewage stuck in its fur, and cooed. “And you’re _gorgeous_ too! Look at you!”

Crowley did, though he found himself much more interested in watching the myriad expressions flitting across Aziraphale's face as he examined the kitten. It was beautiful, with large patches of black and orange against white and bright green eyes. Its nose and the tongue that stuck out of its mouth were both pale pink, as were the pads on the bottom of the one foot Crowley could see with it curled up on his palm. He couldn’t say that, though. He was a demon; he did not find kittens beautiful or adorable or gorgeous. Instead he said, “I was going to give it a bath.”

“It’s a cat! They don’t like baths!” Aziraphale snatched the kitten from Crowley's palm. He was gentle as he wrapped his hand around it, but it still let out a yowl of protest, prompting Aziraphale to tuck it against his chest as he opened his hand. “Oh you poor dear! You’re hurt!”

From its new position in Aziraphale's hand, it was easy to see that one leg had to be broken, and there was a long cut that was bleeding on the thigh that had been hidden against Crowley's palm. Its pupils were so wide they appeared round and it kept making distressed noises as it peered at Crowley and pressed against Aziraphale, clearly expecting them to fix everything that ailed it.

Crowley sighed theatrically, though he didn’t know why he kept up that pretense. He and Aziraphale both knew that he was going to fix the kitten’s leg and the cut and anything else that might be wrong and it wasn’t as though Hell was going to take him to task for it. They were terrified of him, thanks to Aziraphale's performance when they’d switched bodies to face their respective higher-ups[5] for each other.

He stroked one finger along the kitten’s back as Aziraphale had, healing the broken leg, the cut, and quite a few bruises. “You’re lucky I’m the one who found you. The best a human could have done was take you to the vet.” And only the Almighty knew what would have happened then. The kitten was _very_ tiny; it was possible that a human wouldn’t have spent the money to treat it.

The kitten licked his finger in response, as though it were thanking him. Crowley wrinkled his nose at the sensation, but didn’t pull his finger away until the kitten tucked its tongue back in its mouth. “Yeah, yeah. Don’t go telling the whole blessed world.”

Aziraphale beamed as though an injured, sewage-covered kitten probably too young to be away from its mother was the best thing Crowley could have brought into the shop. “What shall we call her?” he asked as he lifted the kitten up so they were nose to nose. “What’s your name, hmm?”

Crowley blinked as he tried—and failed—to process what was going on. “Call?” he parroted dumbly, and then, “Her? How do you know it’s a her?”

“Why, she’s a calico.” Aziraphale said as if that explained everything.

“And?”

Aziraphale gave Crowley a look, one that said _I don’t understand how you could possibly not know this_ , as though knowing the gender of a cat was more relevant than keeping up with pop culture.

Okay, it was more relevant _in this particular moment_ , but still.

“I know because, well, _I_ know because I just do, the same way I always know what gender you’re choosing to present as. However, most humans would know because calicos are almost always female. Apparently, it has something to do with the genes for orange and black fur and their chromosomes. I don’t really understand it all, but calico cats are always female or intersex. This one is female.”

“Ah.” Crowley decided to look that up later—on the internet, thank you very much, not in a book—and moved on to the other part of his question. “Why are we going to call her anything? I thought you’d want to… I don’t know, take her to a shelter or something, not keep her.”

Aziraphale pulled the kitten a little closer. “Is… that what you want to do? I had thought, well, considering you brought her in, that you might want to… keep her?” He blinked at Crowley in that way that meant he absolutely did want to keep her but needed an excuse. Angels weren’t supposed to have pets, after all.[6]

“Well…” Crowley drew out the word as he tried to think. He did, of course, want to keep it—no one rescued a tiny creature from injuries like that without getting a bit attached, not even a demon.[7] “I, er, ngk.” He rubbed at the back of his neck and sighed. It was a very human gesture, one he’d deliberately cultivated, but now it felt natural. “I can’t keep her, obviously. I’m a demon.”

“Obviously.” Aziraphale deflated a little and moved the kitten just a bit further away from his chest.

“But I had thought that, well, maybe you should,” Crowley added quickly. He couldn’t stand that look on Aziraphale's face another second. “I think I saw a news report about how shelters are getting overcrowded and it’s hard to give all the animals the attention they deserve. You’d be doing them a favor if you kept her.”

“I would?” Aziraphale immediately perked back up and cradled the kitten against his chest. “I would! And Heaven can’t fault me for—”He broke off, shaking his head as he remembered that didn’t matter anymore“—well, Heaven doesn’t get a say in the matter, but even if they did, they couldn’t fault me for helping out an animal shelter and making it easier for humans to do good, could they?”

Crowley stroked one finger down the kitten’s back again, this time just relishing in the softness of her fur. “Nope.” He smiled as she nuzzled against his finger, making soft chirping sounds. “So, what are you going to call her?”

Aziraphale lifted the kitten up to eye level and turned her so their noses were practically touching. “What’s your name, hmm?” he asked, using head tilts, chirps, and trills to ask the question in Cat.

The kitten looked rather startled at seeing a man-shaped being speaking mostly coherent Cat to her.[8] Unfortunately, the kitten only had about a toddler’s vocabulary so Aziraphale's efforts were lost on her. Instead of answering, she batted his nose with one paw. “Mrrrp?”

“Are you actually speaking to her _in Cat_?” Crowley took the kitten from Aziraphale hands and set her down on the floor. “You’re ridiculous.”

“She’s a cat! How is it ridiculous to speak to her in her own language?”

“She’s a kitten, she’s not fluent, and you don’t currently have a tail.”

“I could if I wanted.” Aziraphale shifted uncomfortably. He did _not_ want a tail. They were nearly as inconvenient as wings and had none of the advantages wings did, at least not in this form.

“You don’t want.”

“That is hardly—Crowley! She’s climbing on my books!” Aziraphale dashed across the shop to where the kitten had indeed managed to get up onto one of the tables and was currently scaling the stack of books found there. He scooped her up and held her in one hand while he ran gentle fingers over the exposed book surfaces with the other, checking for damage left by tiny claws.

Crowley took her from Aziraphale and looked her straight in the eyes. “You’re going to have to learn that books are not for climbing.”

“Mrrp!”[9]

“You’ll upset him.”[10]

“Mrrr-ow!”[11]

Crowley pulled down his sunglasses and peered at the kitten, but she wasn’t at all perturbed, not even when he flashed his real face at her.

“Really, my dear.” Aziraphale scolded as he finished checking the books for damage. “You’ll traumatize her.”

“ _You’ll_ traumatize her.” Crowley set the kitten down and she immediately wandered over to a rug and started kneading at it.

It was impossible to tell from where they were standing whether or not she had her claws out, but Aziraphale immediately dashed over and scooped her up again. “Oh dear. You’re going to get into everything, aren’t you?”

“That is what kittens do, angel.” Crowley smirked, then remembered he was a demon and therefore absolutely never watched kitten videos on the internet[12] and corrected himself. “Or so I’ve heard.”

“Well, how do we get her to stop? I can’t let her destroy the shop. I’ve had it for two hundred and twenty years!” He held the kitten up to eye level and sighed. “I don’t suppose you’ll understand even if I explain it, will you?”

“Probably not.” Crowley gently took the kitten from Aziraphale and cradled her close to his chest. She immediately curled into a ball on his hands, opened her toothless mouth wide in a yawn, and closed her eyes. “Best let her get a little older first.”

“Well, how do I protect the bookshop until then? I don’t suppose she could…” He brought out the pleading eyes again. “…stay at your place?”

“She’s going to have to stay _with us_.” The kitten started gumming at Crowley’s thumb and he manifested a bottle in his free hand and gave it to her. She immediately started suckling. “I suspect she’s too young to be left alone for long.”

“I always thought cats were rather independent creatures.”

“ _Cats_ , yes. _Kittens_ , no. We don’t even know how old she is. She probably shouldn’t be away from her mother.”

“Well, why is she, then?”

“I don’t know, do I? I’ve only known about her for about a minute longer than you have! It’s not like I snatched her away from her mother. She was all alone on the pavement.”

“Right.” Aziraphale cast an apologetic look at Crowley. “Well, I supposed we should… take her to a vet?”

“We know she’s healthy, angel.” Crowley had seen to that after he brought her inside. “We’ll just look up what she needs and manifest it.”

“We will not! There is a pet store owned by a lovely family about a mile from here. We should buy whatever she needs from them. Support the local economy and all that.”

Crowley sighed and disappeared the bottle, much to the kitten’s dismay. “Right. You take care of that and I’ll get us something for dinner, shall I?”

Aziraphale’s eyes widened with shock as he took the kitten. “You want me to take her on the bus?” He looked from Crowley to the kitten and back again. “What if something happens? You don’t want her to get hurt again, do you?” He could, of course, keep her safe from anything that didn’t discorporate him, but that wasn’t the point, just the excuse to get Crowley to come with him.

“Fine. Let’s go then.”

“Really?”

“Yes. We’ll order delivery.”

“Oh, wonderful.” Aziraphale beamed at Crowley in that way that made the demon’s heart melt and hurried out of the shop, the kitten cradled close to his chest.

Crowley watched him fondly for a moment, then followed after. He wasn’t thrilled with the idea of putting the kitten in his Bentley, but with Aziraphale holding her, how bad could it possibly be?

* * *

The answer, as it turned out, was _extremely_. The whole experience had been so harrowing that neither angel nor demon knew how they’d gotten through it.[13] Fortunately, Aziraphale had several bottles of wine that paired excellently with the food they’d had delivered and so, about five hours after Crowley had found the still-nameless kitten on the pavement, Aziraphale and Crowley were both quite drunk.

The kitten was curled up on Crowley's shoulder as he sprawled on the couch. He poked at her with one finger and she opened both eyes and regarded him curiously. “You know, you’re lucky it was me who found you. Anyone else would’ve hit you with their car.”

“You already told her that.”

“Yes, but she needs to re- reb- remeb- not forget.”

“I thought she was on the pavement. How would a human have hit her?”

“She… she could’ve fallen into the street. Or gone back into the street. Or… or maybe some passer-by would have accidentally pushed her into the street.” Crowley frowned at his empty wine glass until it obligingly filled back up. “Point is, she’s lucky she’s here. We don’t know what happened to the rest of the litter.”

“Oh, I do hope they’re all right.”

“Too bad we can’t find out. Or find out what happened to her.” Crowley stroked the kitten still sleeping on his shoulder. “If someone hurt her that way, I would love to explain _exactly_ what they did wrong.” His eyes went fully yellow as he glared into his wine glass, imagining the sort of discussion he could have with whoever hurt the kitten.

“Oh, would you go all evil demon on them?”

“I can’t _go_ all evil demon. I _am_ an evil demon.”

“Well, you’re not really that evil, though, are you. You mostly annoy people. You’re not like other demons. You don’t enjoy hurting them.” Aziraphale looked up from his wine glass and met Crowley's eyes. “And that’s not a bad thing.”

“’S supposed to be.” Crowley slunk further down on the couch, but stopped when the kitten made as soft sound of protest. “’M supposed to be the evil demon resp- respow- respo- who caused the fall of man, aren’t I. ‘S what it says in the Bible. I’ve read it. Well, some proofs.”

“I thought you didn’t read books.”

“Wanted to see what it said about me. They thought I was my boss.”

“ _Ex_ -boss.” Aziraphale poured more wine into both their glasses. “We’re on our own side, remember?”

“Course I do. Wouldn’t forget that,” said Crowley, who did, on occasion, forget.[14]

“It is too bad I can’t go back to Heaven, though.”

“Why would you want to do _that_?” Crowley hadn’t wanted to go back to Heaven since he first came up into Eden, and his recent trip up there in Aziraphale's body had only reinforced that decision. Heaven was sterile and boring, not at all like the wonderful earth with its many delights and ever-changing inhabitants. “’S awful up there.”

“Well, I don’t want to go back to working for Gabriel. He tried to kill me!” Aziraphale took a gulp of his wine to try to block out the memory of hearing he hadn’t even gotten a trial in Heaven. It didn’t work, but tried one more time just in case. “It would be nice to be able to look at the Earth Observation Files, though. I could see what happened to your friend there.” He gestured to Crowley's shoulder with the hand holding his wine. It only stayed in the glass because it knew better than to spill in the bookshop.

“ _Our_ friend.”

“I could see what happened to the kitten. And her littermates.”

“Heaven has Earth Observation Files?”

“Doesn’t Hell?” Aziraphale blinked owlishly at Crowley. “How do they know what’s going on?”

“They, ah, er. I’m not sure, actually. Files are all one department, under Dagon. I avoided it as much as possible.”

“Ah. Well. Heaven has a special department for observing everything that happens on Earth. They store pictures and video.”

A terrible thought occurred to Crowley. “Of _everything_ that happens on Earth?”

“That is what I just said.”

“Everything? Including all the times we met up? The Arrangement? Our _body swap_?”

“You stopped time when we swapped back, so probably not that one. But everything else.”

“And you didn’t think to mention this? Not once in six thousand years?”

“I did think to. Several times. But we were on opposite sides, Crowley. I couldn’t... I couldn’t just tell you that. And it wasn’t as though we were in much danger. It records everything that happens. The number of files in that room is…” Aziraphale stared into his wine glass as he tried to think of the best way to describe the Earth Observation Files. “…indescribable.”

“At least it’s not ineffable.” Crowley set his wine glass aside and took the kitten off his shoulder so he could lean forward. “Aziraphale. We have to get in there. Not just to find out who hurt her.” He lifted the kitten slightly. “We need to make sure there aren’t any records of us swapping bodies that someone up there might find some day.”

“But what if they see us?”

“What if they discover we’re not actually immune to holy water and hellfire? Right now, they’re scared of us. If they discover we tricked them, it’ll be over. No more Heaven and Hell leaving us alone. No more freedom to do what we want. No more our side. They’ll destroy us.”

The idea of going back to Heaven, even just long enough to look in the Earth Observation Files, made Aziraphale's stomach churn, but the thought of losing everything they’d gained since helping to stop Armageddon was… well. He downed the rest of his wine very quickly trying not to think about that. “That won’t happen.”

“Not if we sneak in and steal the files.” Crowley refilled Aziraphale's wine glass. “It’s the only way to be absolutely certain.”

“But…” It was a weak protest, but Aziraphale had to try.

“You know it is. Besides,” Crowley held up the kitten so two sets of slitted pupils looked at Aziraphale. “Do you really want whoever hurt her to get away with it?”

“You think someone hurt her? Not another animal, or an accident?”

“Only one way to find out.”

“Fine. But I’m going alone.”

“Like Heaven you are!” Crowley jumped up from the couch.

“Look. If I go back to Heaven, no one will suspect anything. You said only the Archangels were there at my… execution. They wouldn’t have spread word around that they’d failed, so no other angel will think twice about seeing me in Heaven. If you come… they’ll know we’re up to something.”

Crowley scowled. Aziraphale was right, but he wasn’t going to like it. “Fine. But I’m driving you there and I’m waiting for you in the lobby.”

“Perhaps wait in the car?” Aziraphale gestured to the kitten. “I don’t think you want to bring her inside, do you?”

“She could—”

“She is not staying here alone. And we can’t exactly leave her; she needs to eat every four to five hours.”

“Right. I’ll wait in the car while you sneak into Heaven and steal the observation files of us swapping corporations. That’ll work out great.”

Somehow, Aziraphale completely missed the sarcasm in Crowley's tone.

### Footnotes

1. Well, technically, it started on a wall around a garden back when time had still been counted in days and the first thunderstorm was about to hit, but you know that story or you wouldn't be here. This story happens later, after the Antichrist rejected his Hellish father and put the world (mostly) back to rights, after an angel and a demon escaped punishment from their respective sides by swapping bodies and dined at the Ritz. After the nightingale decided there was no point singing where it could barely hear itself over the traffic.↩

2. At least, that was the excuse he used, though he wouldn’t have been able to walk past even if there was no possible way Aziraphale could have found out.↩

3. Said reputation was actually that of a very polite middle-aged human male on Earth, but that was beside the point.↩

4. Yes, there was _approved_ mess on Aziraphale's books. It was the sort of dust that didn’t damage them but did discourage people from wanting to buy them. It always politely vanished whenever the angel wanted to read a particular tome.↩

5. Or, rather, lower downs, in Crowley's case.↩

6. Angels weren’t supposed to fall in love with demons, defy Heaven and Hell to stop Armageddon, or grow attached to material objects either, but Aziraphale felt he had to draw the line somewhere, even in this new world of their own side.↩

7. Most other demons wouldn’t have thought to rescue the kitten, but Crowley was certain that most of them would have grown attached had they thought of it. Not the ones like Hastur and Ligur, who thrived on being cruel, of course, but the rest of them, the ones just doing their jobs and not relishing the evil, would have grown attached.↩

8. It wasn’t possible to get _everything_ right without shifting form as some bits of Cat were conveyed through the position of one’s tail. Aziraphale thought it rather undignified to sprout one, however, and had done his best without.↩

9. This meant, essentially, “I’ll climb what I want.” She had understood Crowley because he had assumed she would, despite him speaking English instead of Cat.↩

10. Crowley had understood her for the same reason.↩

11. This meant, “I don’t care; he’ll get over it.”↩

12. He absolutely did watch kitten videos on the internet.↩

13. Because they expected to, mostly. Unfortunately, they’d also both been expecting the kitten to react poorly and—between them—for just about everything else to go wrong as well, so it had.↩

14. On other occasions, he was certain Hell had forgotten and would come after him again. Or worse, start sending him assignments.↩

**Author's Note:**

> This is still in progress due to, well, basically the state of the world hitting hard. While I am extremely fortunate to be able to work from home, that's presented myriad challenges to my mental health, especially since I live alone. (I love my cats but they are not great conversationalists.) I'm writing what I can when I can and I'm hoping that comments and kudos will help motivate me. <3 (And they'll be greatly appreciated no matter what.)


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